The subconsciouse Mind

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Lonely July 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — loyang @ 5:57 pm

What kind of heart that i’ve got?
What kind of person I am ?
I thought that i am a simple person
today i know i am a complicated one with hight level of stress and depression.

I really dont know what i have to do in my life

I know its not the real situation that i am facing

I actualy feel that i lost in my lonesomeness
I long to having a man in my life
to be loved
and give love
I’ve got  2 beautiful and inteligent kids.
They seems unenough for me.
Theres a puzzle of my life need to be completed

There’s time i really cant coupe it
I feel so misserable and so lonely
Keep lookin to my cell phone without knowing whom
i could dial to..
I really need some body
Any body…

to hold me tight
to hold me close

to put me close in his heart
to pampering me and whispering words how i mean to him
I am sick to having  that moment in my life
Really wonder if my man finally show

Mean while..
I am keep dreaming
and keep wondering….

 

Are You Playing with me? July 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — loyang @ 5:52 pm

Its been 6 months since i realized my feelings for you.

As I was said in my last post that i am a lonesome soul, it would be really easy to someone grabbed my heart.

It is a man from one of my relatives who stealed my attention.

He said that he have the feeling for me for years since 1990 mean that 18 years for now.

For my surprises he remember a lot of things that i dont remember it my self.

He could telling me many events and what was happen and what activities i was joining in my past.

Its really anoyying  considering that i didn’t notice his attention and mean something in a same time.

 

Today in my glommy and grey time.

He entering my life.

showing me his warmness, speaking to me with nice words, he completely so kind and manly.

Suddenly i feel that I miss him and afraid of this feeling kind of a woman’s feeling to a man.

My Goodness,

I do not expected this feeling happen to me. Not from him.

There is no way for us.

This feeling will lead us to no where

This feeling would wounded his feeling either mine

So,

I am ‘lil bit panic to what i am currently feeling of

 

Is He Playing With Me..? July 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — loyang @ 5:48 pm

After telling me so much about yours now u got dissapear.

Boy,
Are u fear of liking me even more..??

I dont ask you to liking me.
I dont know that you got the feelings for me. not until u told me.
I neither dont trying to contact you for the first time. no i dont.
Its you.

After dozen of years you keep your feeling as a secret Boy, now you are telling me.
For your luckyness its replying now.
I am now single and waiting.
I am not fooling around my self to having guy or having just fun, but I am in the same frequency with you now. Thats the reason why i can catch your feelings, even replying back. The frequency mode is on the same Level. Lonesome and need some one to talk to.

I am boy,
desperately need some one to talk.
Share the feelings
Pampering
Encouraged and support to
But I am too chicken to meet some one there to have a date or even just have a coffee..
I am weak.
I know my self.
I am gonna fall to affection, deep feeling and maybe more.
I dont like it.
So Boy,
Your existing is mean a lot to me.
We can be just friend and close friend.

Talk to me ur feelings.
Talk to me your problem
Share me your Dream
I will do the same to make this life easier

I never begging for love.
Not in my life.

I never begging for friendship.
Not as long as i could remember.

Do not Playing with me.
Do not Playing with my Life.

 

Rain June 13, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — loyang @ 1:51 am

Hari ini aku janjian ketemu “Rain”.

Setelah 20 tahun aku akan melihat kembali bagaimana rupanya.

20 tahun yll Rain dan aku adalah sepasang kekasih
Kami berpisah karena aku harus pergi meninggalkan kota dimana kami saling menyayangi.

Bagiku perpisahan itu sakit dan menyedihkan.
Aku bukanlah orang yang percaya pada cinta jarak jauh. Dan kali ini pun, aku tau cinta ini akan berakhir begitu kapal yg mengangkutku menjauhi pulau ini.

Beberapa bulan setelah perpisahan tersebut aku dan Rain masih saling bertukar kabar. Kami berhubungan via surat mengabarkan keadaan masing-masing
surat2 tersebut penuh kerinduan dan ungkapan rasa ingin bertemu kembali.
sampai suatu hari yg melelahkan dan penuh tekanan surat Rain datang setelah berbulan-bulan absent.

isi surat tersebut tidaklah panjang
tapi dibaliknya ada kode yg biasa kami tulis dalam bahasa rahasia kami sendiri
dan untuk membacanya
aku harus memecahkan kode tersebut.
Setelah bersemangat memecahkan kode untuk mengetahui apa isinya yang ku temukan hanyalah ungkapan rasa kecewa yg dimiliki Rain dan anggapan bahwa selama ini aku tidak mengerti akan perasaannya. aku juga tidak memiliki cinta yg cukup untuknya.

Entah apa yg merasukiku, saat itu aku langsung grigah mengambil pulpen dan kertas. Kutumpahkan
seluruh kemarahanku tanpa tertinggal suatu hurufpun dan
satu emosipun yg seharusnya ku tahan.
Aku tersinggung diragukan

Aku tersinggung Rain tidak sepenuhnya mempercayaiku
kalau memang hal itu yg benar dia rasakan
tip-ex saja aku dari hidupnya
dan hubungan ini kita sudahi sampai disini saja.
Demikianlah sepenggal cerita masa lalu ku dari 20 tahun yll.

Dan hari ini aku bersiap untuk bmenemui Rainain karena yah,
bagaimanapun dia pernah dekat dengan aku
dan pertemuan terakhir telah terjadi 20 tahun yll. Lebih dari itu …..;

ini adalah malam spesial untuk aku. Lama sudah sejak terkhir kali aku keluar menemui seorang pria to having a date. Bagiku ini adalah malam istimewa.

Dari jauh sudah aku liat kedatangan Rain. Tubuhnya masih tinggi seperti zaman dahulu. Dadanya lebih besar dan bidang. Lenggangnya aku tidak asing dan mengisyaratkan aku dia masih Rain yg dahulu tapi perawakan tubuhnya lebih tegap 4 kali dari zaman SMA.

Kami bertukar sapa dan pandangan. Memory yg kami miliki cukup membuat kami berdua “nyengir”

Cengiran dan pandangan yg kami miliki lebih menyuarakan seluruh kalimat yg kami belum keluarkan. In short, aku menghabiskan waktu 2,5 jam bersama Rain di Mall itu.

Pertanyaan terakhir yg aku tanyakan kepada Rain adalah :

“Kenapa kamu menjadi Christiani?”

Rain menjawab “karena saya percaya”

Dan pembahasan agama itupun selesai sebelum dimulai.

Tidak ada yg perlu saya katakan dan komentari. Rain berhak penuh akan pilihan hidup yang ia jalanin.

Dan akupun hanya mengangguk mendengar jawabannya. Rain telah 11tahun menjadi christiani dan sebagai putra Makasar sejati Rain cukup melakukan perubahan besar dalam hidupnya ditengan keluarga besarnya yang rata2 penganut Islam taat dan tak tergoyahkan.

 

Hello world! June 10, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — loyang @ 2:40 am

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