I really dont know what i have to do in my life

I know its not the real situation that i am facing

I actualy feel that i lost in my lonesomeness
I long to having a man in my life
to be loved
and give love
I’ve got  2 beautiful and inteligent kids.
They seems unenough for me.
Theres a puzzle of my life need to be completed

There’s time i really cant coupe it
I feel so misserable and so lonely
Keep lookin to my cell phone without knowing whom
i could dial to..
I really need some body
Any body…

to hold me tight
to hold me close

to put me close in his heart
to pampering me and whispering words how i mean to him
I am sick to having  that moment in my life
Really wonder if my man finally show

Mean while..
I am keep dreaming
and keep wondering….

As I was said in my last post that i am a lonesome soul, it would be really easy to someone grabbed my heart.

It is a man from one of my relatives who stealed my attention.

He said that he have the feeling for me for years since 1990 mean that 18 years for now.

For my surprises he remember a lot of things that i dont remember it my self.

He could telling me many events and what was happen and what activities i was joining in my past.

Its really anoyying  considering that i didn’t notice his attention and mean something in a same time.

Today in my glommy and grey time.

He entering my life.

showing me his warmness, speaking to me with nice words, he completely so kind and manly.

Suddenly i feel that I miss him and afraid of this feeling kind of a woman’s feeling to a man.

My Goodness,

I do not expected this feeling happen to me. Not from him.

There is no way for us.

This feeling will lead us to no where

This feeling would wounded his feeling either mine

So,

I am ‘lil bit panic to what i am currently feeling of

Boy,
Are u fear of liking me even more..??

I dont ask you to liking me.
I dont know that you got the feelings for me. not until u told me.
I neither dont trying to contact you for the first time. no i dont.
Its you.

After dozen of years you keep your feeling as a secret Boy, now you are telling me.
For your luckyness its replying now.
I am now single and waiting.
I am not fooling around my self to having guy or having just fun, but I am in the same frequency with you now. Thats the reason why i can catch your feelings, even replying back. The frequency mode is on the same Level. Lonesome and need some one to talk to.

I am boy,
desperately need some one to talk.
Share the feelings
Pampering
Encouraged and support to
But I am too chicken to meet some one there to have a date or even just have a coffee..
I am weak.
I know my self.
I am gonna fall to affection, deep feeling and maybe more.
I dont like it.
So Boy,
Your existing is mean a lot to me.
We can be just friend and close friend.

Talk to me ur feelings.
Talk to me your problem
Share me your Dream
I will do the same to make this life easier

I never begging for love.
Not in my life.

I never begging for friendship.
Not as long as i could remember.

Do not Playing with me.
Do not Playing with my Life.

What he thinks I am..? 
A bitch??
You been with m for 3 years you still dont know who i am n what i am..???

I am not a liar.
I never tolerate any cheatness in a relationship.
I am not respect any one who doesnt faith to their couple
I love to see some one who devoted to their couple and their family.
I am a good person
with good values
Since I want my self to be like that.’

And you still dont know who I am…
You are sad.

Man, you really do not know what are you talking about
and what is your lose. 

Having me was your biggest luckyness ever!
i am not a big head telling you this.

You actually do not have any deserved to have my love
but you did.
See what had you done to our relationship..??

Just walk away and get lost of my life
please…

You are not my some one special no more.
Your time was over
and  dont dare to dreamin it back!

You are no one now.

You ever waste it once
than keep it on.

I am not interested to having any relationship with you in future regarding to what you suspiciouse on me.

So wondering how could you have it in your mind.?????

The doubt,
the worried,
the suspicioused..??

GET LOST then…

Dont bother to send me message nor hoping me to come to your party
i dont interested to join with and be there.

Why u wannan stuck to something you dont happy with..? 
Just take it or leave it!

You didnt trusted my love to you while i actually can picked another man as my lover but i chosed you?
You did not believe that i really love you and having only you while u always with me outside office hour and after office hour?  
So, DONT!

I really pist-pist-OFF!
I even getting MAD.

Berani betul lu nyangkain gua.
Tidak pernah dalam sejarah hidup gua gua ngebangun 2 hubungan dalam satu saat.
It is happen in some one’s life, but not mine!

This is a simple life. 
Live a life that brings your happyness

I was humbly away from you life. 
Since you didn not have the trust for me.

Too much love and too much ego drived you blind
You cant see how much loves i gave to you.
I even taking care of you.
You are not taking care of me, but i taking care of you!

• You were not handsome nearly to ugly when i decided to accepted you,
  I was petite beauty, sliming and highly demanded by friends and co-worker.
• You were a college student has no income,
  I was an office staff in a Japanese Contractor with good income and financing all our activity during 3 years.
• you being with me 8-9 days in a week,
  while you still suspected i was maintain any relationship to any other man.

One thing is actually been corrected.

• I am never been cheated and you were INSANE!

You are  a crazy guy and there is something wrong in your mind.

Today you dared to say “Lo buat guwa kecewa!”  
BODO AMAT!
and SIAPA LOE..??? !”

Perasaan lu gak penting buat gua dan gua gak bakalan mikirin lu kecewa apa kagak

manusia sialan…

matipun jangan sampai kasih tau nor ngabarin gua. Karena efeknya u gua sama aja.
Gua gak bakalan perduli. 

Gua gak pernah jahatin lu dan sampai kini pu nggak bermaksud.

Hiduplah di hidup lu sendiri
Gua juga jalanin hidup gua

Kita jangan saling ganggu.

Lu bukan lagi bagian dari hidup gua dan gua udah lupa samasekali dengan masa2 kita berdua karena saat2 itu untuk gua bukanlah saat yg indah untuk dikenang.

Lu baik gua akui
tapi lu juga kasar dan banyak keluarin bahasa buruk untuk gua.

Gua perempuan bangsat?
Lu gak bakal lupain apa yg menurut lu gua buat dan suatu hari lu akan balas??

yang bener aja….

Gua cuman diem dan mandangin lu saat itu..

Tapi di dalam hati gua kalo lu bisa denger
lu akan tau bahwa lu tidak akan pernah punya kesempatan
karena dimenit lu lontarin kalimat2 jahat tersebut di gua
gua langsung memutuskan lu bukan lah lelaki yg tepat untuk jadi pria gua apa lagi untuk gua ajakin growing old together.

Gua sangat memilih dlm kepribadian seorang pria yg bakal gua jadikan couple.
Memilih lu karmanya gua aja yg gua tau harus gua terima karena waktu pertama kali liat lu di kampus dari atas balkon hati gua ngebatin ” jelek amat nih lelaki, cewek mana yg mau jadi istrinya…”

Ya gua gak jadi istri lu sih..
tapi akhirnya gua jadi perempuan lu selama 3 tahun.

Menentang omongan keluarga dan cibiran teman-teman.

Hari ini berani betul lu keluarin kalimat2 yg jaman dulu biasa lu keluarin. lu lagi curiga gua pergi berenang sama ROMY.. WHO IS ROMY..??  Dan mengatakan nah kann .. baru kebongkar sekarang…….

ANJING!

Romy siapa aja gua gak kenal

Lu pikir gua ini bagsat yah…??

Kenapa dulu gua pilihnya elu manusia jelek?
kalo gua gak bener2 suka sama lu??

SIALAN DEH LU… LU SIALANNNN!!

Mendingan pacaran sama org kantoran ato cari yg kayaan sekalian kalo bener gua brengsek.

Kalo gua ini perempuan brengsek seperti apa otak lu bilang,
gua ini udah tidur dengan banyak lelaki yg dibanding lu itu ibarat bumi dan langit.
5 years i’ve been devorce.

Since the time many men granted to come over my life  and offering me confortness and financial secure. but heyy… i got my own Life’s value.

I’ve had a chance to marry a famouse comedian, to be a wife of a western man in South Bend – Indiana. Having an unforgetable romantic romance experience with a  western police officer in Atl – Ga, With several more that i can described here… but none of it i chose!

I hardly control my self since i put values in my life.

So,

How dare you to suspiciouse on me and ever think that i am a jerk.

YOU ARE !!

Happy deleted sialan man..

I dont like crowded.
I do not amaze  with things and richness.

I am not easily get flattered.

I got my own mirror and i can see perfectly my strength and my weakness.

Having my private and enjoying my peace is my delighted

Books, movies and internet are my companies.

There are times in my life I put my self into troubles .

along that time i rarely have some one to talk to or to discussed with.

I got my best friend, yes.
I got sisters ooh yea,
I even have a good mom that will always there to listen to me.

but being alone
and coupe my problem all by my own
is really my own choice.

currently i am 38 years of age.

Single,

No bf for the last 5 years.

No man

No date

No Kisses

No Sex.

I am not too happy with it actually…

but thought, i am quiet allright.

I can deal with it so far…

So far that i think I could….

I really dont know what i have to do in my life

I know its not the real situation that i am facing

I actualy feel that i lost in my lonesomeness
I long to having a man in my life
to be loved
and give love
I’ve got 2 beautiful and inteligent kids.
They seems unenough for me.
Theres a puzzle of my life need to be completed

There’s time i really cant coupe it
I feel so misserable and so lonely
Keep lookin to my cell phone without knowing whom
i could dial to..
I really need some body
Any body…

to hold me tight
to hold me close

to put me close in his heart
to pampering me and whispering words how i mean to him
I am sick to having that moment in my life
Really wonder if my man finally show

Mean while..
I am keep dreaming
and keep wondering….

Setelah 20 tahun aku akan melihat kembali bagaimana rupanya.

20 tahun yll Rain dan aku adalah sepasang kekasih
Kami berpisah karena aku harus pergi meninggalkan kota dimana kami saling menyayangi.

Bagiku perpisahan itu sakit dan menyedihkan.
Aku bukanlah orang yang percaya pada cinta jarak jauh. Dan kali ini pun, aku tau cinta ini akan berakhir begitu kapal yg mengangkutku menjauhi pulau ini.

Beberapa bulan setelah perpisahan tersebut aku dan Rain masih saling bertukar kabar. Kami berhubungan via surat mengabarkan keadaan masing-masing
surat2 tersebut penuh kerinduan dan ungkapan rasa ingin bertemu kembali.
sampai suatu hari yg melelahkan dan penuh tekanan surat Rain datang setelah berbulan-bulan absent.

isi surat tersebut tidaklah panjang
tapi dibaliknya ada kode yg biasa kami tulis dalam bahasa rahasia kami sendiri
dan untuk membacanya
aku harus memecahkan kode tersebut.
Setelah bersemangat memecahkan kode untuk mengetahui apa isinya yang ku temukan hanyalah ungkapan rasa kecewa yg dimiliki Rain dan anggapan bahwa selama ini aku tidak mengerti akan perasaannya. aku juga tidak memiliki cinta yg cukup untuknya.

Entah apa yg merasukiku, saat itu aku langsung grigah mengambil pulpen dan kertas. Kutumpahkan
seluruh kemarahanku tanpa tertinggal suatu hurufpun dan
satu emosipun yg seharusnya ku tahan.
Aku tersinggung diragukan

Aku tersinggung Rain tidak sepenuhnya mempercayaiku
kalau memang hal itu yg benar dia rasakan
tip-ex saja aku dari hidupnya
dan hubungan ini kita sudahi sampai disini saja.
Demikianlah sepenggal cerita masa lalu ku dari 20 tahun yll.

Dan hari ini aku bersiap untuk bmenemui Rainain karena yah,
bagaimanapun dia pernah dekat dengan aku
dan pertemuan terakhir telah terjadi 20 tahun yll. Lebih dari itu …..;

ini adalah malam spesial untuk aku. Lama sudah sejak terkhir kali aku keluar menemui seorang pria to having a date. Bagiku ini adalah malam istimewa.

Dari jauh sudah aku liat kedatangan Rain. Tubuhnya masih tinggi seperti zaman dahulu. Dadanya lebih besar dan bidang. Lenggangnya aku tidak asing dan mengisyaratkan aku dia masih Rain yg dahulu tapi perawakan tubuhnya lebih tegap 4 kali dari zaman SMA.

Kami bertukar sapa dan pandangan. Memory yg kami miliki cukup membuat kami berdua “nyengir”

Cengiran dan pandangan yg kami miliki lebih menyuarakan seluruh kalimat yg kami belum keluarkan. In short, aku menghabiskan waktu 2,5 jam bersama Rain di Mall itu.

Pertanyaan terakhir yg aku tanyakan kepada Rain adalah :

“Kenapa kamu menjadi Christiani?”

Rain menjawab “karena saya percaya”

Dan pembahasan agama itupun selesai sebelum dimulai.

Tidak ada yg perlu saya katakan dan komentari. Rain berhak penuh akan pilihan hidup yang ia jalanin.

Dan akupun hanya mengangguk mendengar jawabannya. Rain telah 11tahun menjadi christiani dan sebagai putra Makasar sejati Rain cukup melakukan perubahan besar dalam hidupnya ditengan keluarga besarnya yang rata2 penganut Islam taat dan tak tergoyahkan.